Unwelcome dreams

My life today is totally different to the life I had ten years ago. I am happily married for the second time, we have wonderful children together and live in a nice house in a beautiful urban neighborhood. I wouldn’t want to live any other way, but every month when I have my period, my past comes back in my dreams.

They are not about sex. They are about intimacy and the feeling of comfort, and they are always similar: I am in love with my ex-husband and only want to be with him, because he is the only man with whom I can have a true relationship and marriage. I dream that we are back together with a family, that we live again in the harmonious village community, and everything is perfect. I see short everyday life situations, like dropping my children at school, or sitting at my in-law’s house on a Sunday with my kids playing in their garden. Funnily, the children I see in my dreams are my real children from my existing marriage.

And next to me is lying a man who I don’t want to have in that moment. Obviously, I can’t tell my husband any of this.

Sometimes I find it really hard to look into my husband’s eyes in the morning after I spent all night dreaming about another man with whom everything would be so much better. Not because I feel guilty, but because I almost feel rejection towards my husband. After a night full of these dreams the feeling remains throughout the day that I don’t want him. That makes it incredibly difficult for me when my husband approaches me and I can’t accept it.

My husband senses it when I am ovulating, and that starts shortly after I had my period. So the moment my period ends, he starts to come closer and closer, and he has a strong desire to have sex — which is of course fine and I am happy he desires me, after all he is my husband — but I can only push him away. It even annoys me terribly because this is also the time when I want sex the most, but my feeling tells me that I don’t want him, I want the other man.

Rationally, there is no way I would ever go back to my ex-husband and the village where everyone looks over your shoulder. I wanted to leave that cage. It can be a blessing of course to have your in-laws around the corner. But it’s also a curse because they will show up unannounced any time and try to interfere in all matters of life. That might be great for the kids but surely a nightmare for me. So for me, the disadvantages prevail.

My ex-husband and I were a couple for over a decade. We more or less grew up together. We had a lot in common and a special bond. I always knew exactly how he was feeling and what he was thinking. I could finish his sentences. This same kind of connection I never had in my new relationship. Obviously, we met much later and under completely different circumstances. My ex-husband will always have a certain status in my life, I don’t see a problem with that. We were married not without a reason.

We had our little bench in front of our house where we planned to sit and watch the sunset together in our old age. I dream about sitting on this bench regularly.

Retrospectively, I think our relationship failed because of one reason: I wanted to have children, he didn’t. That was a major topic between us. He always said I was the love of his life and if he wanted children then only with me. But he stalled me for years and found new reasons over and over again why the timing wasn’t right. In the end I felt like he didn’t take my desire to have children seriously. Eventually, I didn’t want to wait any longer, and at that time I met my husband. He had just come out of a relationship where he was the one who wanted to take the next steps but his partner didn’t. Basically, he offered to me from the start what my ex-husband was not willing to give.

This direct transition from one relationship to the next was not easy. I had left my whole life behind me, my relationship, my home, my circle of friends. My life changed 180 degrees back then and my main source of stability became my new partner. That was quite a chunk to deal with, and I think it happened all a bit too fast for me.

With the kids, the wedding, and building a house the years flew by. I had no time alone to close the old chapter. I always felt that I had chosen this new man and I had to be happy. I couldn’t allow any grief about the loss of my relationship and old life.

Every time I see my ex-husband I think “Thank God he is not my husband anymore!” He has changed and neglected himself a lot. That is exactly what I feared when we were still together.

But when you dream about your ex consistently every month over so many years, that really makes you think. Especially when you know for sure you don’t want him back. For a long time, I mulled over the questions — if I still had feelings for my ex-husband, if I had made the right decision, and if I actually wanted the new life I was living. I simply didn’t understand why I was dreaming about him and wondered what I could do to make it stop. That really bothered me.

Half a year ago, I consulted a life counsellor, who helped me get on the right track. I realized that it is the feeling of intimacy that I am missing, which I had had so strongly with my ex-husband, but that is not there in my marriage at the moment.

Building a new house, my husband is working long hours, the children are clinging mostly to me and are a separate fulltime project, and on the side I am working on my own career — all this adds to the load. Calm waters were never our reality, but a point of rest is completely absent right now. I really miss spending a weekend at home doing absolutely nothing.

During the last years we worked well as a couple. We live well side by side and together, but it is not a romantic relationship. It is quite a strain for a relationship when your only topic of conversation is the house and cost estimates. We don’t have the money or the time to just go out as a family and do something fun or to go on a holiday.

My husband is incredibly attached to me and the children. He is committed to fix our relationship. I’m often feeling bad because I can’t appreciate it enough when he makes an effort. At the same time, he admits that he simply doesn’t have the energy and time to do more. Overall, he is the one making a bigger effort and I trust him fully, he will guide the way once things get better.

When I don’t have the dreams and my husband doesn’t bring up the topic of our relationship, I don’t think about it much. Once the construction work is complete and we finally arrive in the new house, and my husband and I have more time together and our relationship improves, I can imagine that I might find peace with the dreams. Maybe, then the dreams will come less frequently or even stop completely one day. I am curious how it will be in two years’ time.

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