A Heart Felt Reflection

It was a cold beautiful winter day, she look out of the window and admired, the beauty of the world around her. The countryside was blanketed in a fluffy white snow, it was such a a beautiful site. Although over the past year she had came to hate living out here, she still was able to be grateful, for the beauty around her. Life had not turned out quite like she imagined, but then again, now that she thinks about it, she can’t remember what she had imagined.

The past few years had been tough on Livi, a lot had changed in her life and it had been hard to adjust to the changes. Life had throw her so many curve balls , that if she actually stops and thinks about, it sometimes helps to realize, she has gotten through some rough times. But, damn it, she wanted the rough times to end, she wanted peace and happiness! Life has always been full of drama and chaos, and let downs! Livi just wanted a end to all of it!

There had been a point, in the past couple years, that she had gotten so disappointed in the human race. Where was kindness, unconditional love, and loyalty? After, years of drama and chaos, with a toxic mother and sister, the fighting had came to a head, and it has been three years, since Livi had talked to them. She still had another sister, that she had keep in contact with, and the situation made them closer, her sister also, did not talk to their mom. That had been the beginning of the changes for her, Livi was close to her mom and sister, at one point in time. The whole family was so, close at one point in time getting together for every holiday or birthday. But, over the years the whole family, just crumble apart.

Livi has been with the same man for twenty years, only married for 3 years. She met her husband when, she was seventeen and he was twenty -one. Livi feel hard for him, she one by one alienated her friends, and at times her family, to be with him all the time. Lee was a difficult human being, he can be a downright jerk, sometimes and Livi and Lee’s relationship had always been toxic, a lot of fighting. Livi’s family never like Lee, some of it his fault and some of it their fault.

Over the past few years, the fighting with Lee had gotten so, bad! Livi knew it was not healthy, especially with their two children in the house, to hear everything. Over the years, they had both made mistakes, and they both loved to throw stuff in each others faces, every time they fought! Oh, it has been said so, many times over the years, that one of us, was leaving, but it never would actually happen.

So, Livi found herself at, a point in life, she just felt alone. Her one sister she talks too, lives 45 minutes away and Livi hated to bother her with her drama, afraid she would feel like I was like our mom and other sister. When Livi once had a life, full of friends and daily conversations with her mom. There now was hardly no visitors or no one who cared to talk daily. One day at work, Livi met a lovely girl and they became fast friends. Livi rode to work with Angie, and Angie even moved in next door. Oh, Livi was happy! She had a everyday friend again, someone to talk to everyday. It was wonderul! Even, though Lee would get jealous of the time Livi, spent with Angie, it was what Livi needed. Livi loved her job and had made other friends too!

Then came the day, our boss quit, and Angie got the job, of the boss. Livi was excitied for Angie, she thought it was just great! But, as the days went by Livi, slowly realized that their friendship was changing, because of Angie’s new position. Where they were once glued at the hip at work, Angie would not even go to a break with Livi. Angie was not being mean to Livi, but Livi was so very hurt, that she became angry. Livi started complaining to Angie about the job, all the time. Livi got involved in gossip and complaining, with other co-workers. A job Livi had once loved, she now hated and blamed Angie for it! So, yet another change for Livi…..there went her everyday friend!

Livi eventually left the job, for her own mental peace, it just was not a good environment, she realized and had to get away. So, over the past year and a half Livi, spent a lot of time alone. Livi is such a overthinker, and all she did was think and think and think. Livi knew she was not happy, she was a bitter, angry, jealous human being! This is not who Livi, wanted to be, but did not know how to change it.She did a bunch of research online on happiness,depression, and The Law Of Attraction. She even tired practicing The Law Of Attraction for, a brief time. It is hard to practice The Law Of Attraction, when you live with some one who does not. Livi took a a little bit of information, from everything she read.

It was easy for Livi to point out the flaws of everyone around her and how they effected her or made her feel. Livi was stubborn and held on to angry and resentment, her mother was the queen of stubborness. Livi did not want to be like her mom, stubborn, always right, never admitting fault, or never a apology. When searching anything to do with a healthy mind, you read over and over, about forgiving others and how bad it is to hold on to anger or resentment. I am sure this is easier for some than others, but, for Livi it was hard. Livi was raised in a environment, where you held on to angry and resentment.

Livi spent many days alone, as Lee went to work and the kids school, she did online classes at home. Livi spent a lot of time reflecting, reflecting on her marriage, her family, and herself. Her heart full of so much, hurt, resentment, angry, jealousy. A big part of self-reflection is to aknowledge, your mistakes and flaws. Livi had to realize the things she, had done wrong and the mistakes, she had made. Especially, when it came to her marriage, Livi always had the attitude, that everything was her husband fault. She had to own up to the things she did that contribute, to all the fighting in her marriage.

As, the days went on, the more days Livi spent by herself the better. Livi thought of the past and and of the future. The most important thing to Livi, were her children, and there well being. When thinking of her passion in life, Livi always thought of her kids, they were her passion in life. Livi always held on to the fact, she could not believe her mom, has went so long without, talking to her, she could never imagine going a day without, knowing how her kids were. It is just the kind of mom Livi is, hands on, and there for there every need, her love for her children was unconditional. Why, could her own mother not give her that unconditional love? Then one day, well reading some wellness blog, Livi came across a point someone made, about people being mad, at someone for not being, who they think they should be. That really sank in Livi’s brain, it made sense. There were a few people in her life, that she was mad, at for not being who she wanted them to be.

When Livi thought on that, she realized it was true, she was mad at her mom for not being the kind of mom, she thought she should be. Just like she was mad at Angie, for not being the friend, she thought she should be. When Livi looked at, things from that point of view it made sense. She was putting her idea of expectations on them, when In reality she just needed to accept them, how they are. It did not make the situation with her mother, any less painful. In, fact it hurt to realize, that she had that kind of mother, who could go three years without speaking to her children, but she is what she is. Still to this day Livi contemplates contacting her mother and having a discussion, but she has not came that far yet, Livi stills hold on to the fact, that she needs her mother, to be her mother and contact her first.

When it came to Angie, they had stayed in contact. Angie had always, remained so nice to Livi, despite the things that had happened. Livi knew she owed Angie a apology, a apology for being mad at her for her own expectations and Angie appreciated the apology, and the are still friends, but Livi knows the kind of friend, Angie is capable of being and Livi accepts that. One, of the important lessons Livi, has learned is to accept people as they are. You always have the options to not have someone in your life, but you do not have the option to try to make someone they are not.

Livi and Lee have came to a point they reconize, things can not remain how they have been. They love each other, they have been through so much in life together. Neither one can imagine life without the other, so it requires work on both their parts. Livi is learning when to let things lie and when to walk away, to prevent a huge fight. She has learned to let things go and let go of resentment, she knows the only person it is harming is her. Slowly, but surely day by day, her heart is becoming free. Livi has learned to enjoy her own company, she has learned to focus on the positive. Livi looks for the light, instead of the dark in every situation. Maybe, one day Livi will get to the point, she can have the conversation with her mom and sister.

Most, importantly in Livi ‘s journey through self-reflection, she learned that happiness is a choice that is made, she learned to accept and move on. As, Livi looks out of the window, even though she hopes one day to move, to a very fresh start, Livi has learned to appreciate, the good around her and not dwell on what is not.

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