The Death of Normal

This article was tough to write. And even more tough to publish.

I expect some backlash and maybe even some anger. I’m sure I’ve gotten some things wrong and sincerely hope that’s the case. At the same time, I believe we need to prepare as much as we can for many more serious challenges ahead.

Over the past few weeks, we’re been hearing a lot about the birth of the “new normal” (from increased hand washing to social distancing to remote working) as we struggle to adapt to a global crisis. But we’ve heard much less about the death of the “old normal.”

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ groundbreaking book On Death and Dying first published in 1969 outlined five primary stages of grief: Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Contrary to popular summaries of these stages, they don’t always happen in the same order and everyone grieves differently. At the same time, we can start to predict — and therefore prepare for — what is to come as we face the death of the way we previously viewed the world and the future.

Denial and Isolation: We’ve seen denial in our leaders, representatives and countless people around the world who are acting as if the global pandemic isn’t real (or at least not serious enough to warrant changes in behavior). As more facts become unavoidable and denial starts to fall away, anger begins to surface. One predictor of that transition is when denial degrades into vilification of those who even speak of the following stages as if just talking about potential problems causes them (and silence somehow prevents them).

Anger: Once we begin to realize that what we’ve lost isn’t coming back, anger emerges as we struggle to find a target for our loss. We blame the leaders who failed us. We blame gigantic organizations who seem to exploit the tragedy of others for their own gain (and the shareholders who demand they do). In the case of the health care crisis, we blame the professionals for not being able to diagnose or treat this threat or even the health care system itself for being unequipped to care for us. We might blame ourselves or our family members for not being better prepared to deal with a situation we are told we should have seen coming (even by people who previously denied its seriousness). As countless small businesses close those doors and millions of people find themselves out of work, we can expect to see a surge in anger expressed in domestic violence, child abuse, alcohol and substance abuse, vandalism, theft and even rioting. Rather than denying these possibilities, now is the time to increase sensitivity to early warning signs, acknowledge their seriousness and take steps to de-escalate tense situations before they escalate.

Bargaining: Anger often leaves us feeling helpless, vulnerable and guilty especially in the wake of violence. Guilt is a raw form of responsibility which attempts to explain our past mistakes and failures with “If-only” logic (“If only I had saved more money / listened to the pundits / stocked up on supplies / gone to the doctor sooner / etc.”). We then make desperate promises not to repeat those mistakes in an effort to make things the way they were before.

Depression: According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, “More than 17 million U.S. adults — over 7% of the population — had at least one major depressive episode in the past year (2019).” We can expect those episodes to grow even more widespread as our bargaining doesn’t bring back the “old normal.” We begin to recognize that the world isn’t going to reset no matter what we do. We begin to let go of the hope that things will be like they once were. Isolation and concerns about our physical, emotional and financial health and that of others are contributors to feelings of depression. Symptoms include irritability, changes in sleep or appetite, lack of concentration or interest in activities, loss of energy, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. In this stage, many of us turn to alcohol and other potentially addictive substance or behaviors to distance ourselves from the pain. Depression is a difficult but important stage in dealing with grief. It’s the foundation for acceptance and beginning of a “new normal.” During this time, we need to rethink the stigma of depression and anxiety, reach out to one another across the emotional distance, listen deeply, and show each other that we are there even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. As with anger, we need to recognize depression is a natural phase in the grieving process and to act upon the early warning signs. Seeking professional help when needed can also be the difference between further spiraling into depression or the climb to healthy recovery.

Acceptance: As strange as it may sound, depression can liberate us from chains to a past that isn’t coming back. We accept that the “old normal” is gone. It’s what we often think of as the time to begin creating the “new normal.” But the truth is, we’ve been creating the new normal all along through our anger, our bargaining, our depression. Acceptance isn’t about starting, it’s about reflecting on who we’ve become along the way.

As mentioned in the introduction, we all deal with grief in our own way. But during a global crisis, it’s wise to prepare for the predictable stages for all of us ahead. Some of us will stay in denial and ignore warnings as exaggerations or even propaganda. Some will even move into a perverted form of anger that blames the victims for being weak and justifies their suffering. Some of us will attempt to rush to acceptance as proof of moral superiority as others suffer and “complain.” All of those reactions are understandable. Predictable. And we can prepare ourselves to respond with compassion and hope.

In the difficult months ahead, we will see our true strength unfold as we make choices about who to include in our journey to the “new normal.”

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