The Moral Dilemma of Monogamy

Marriages and committed monogamous relationships can deliver unmeasurable growth, support and joy to all those within and surrounding the couple. And while much of our social landscape is shifting, monogamy is still seen as the gold standard of morality. What we fail to see, though, is that coupledom is inherently drenched in moral tension. Why? Monogamy is not natural for the human species. Every single piece of scientific research proves it. Where behaviour is not natural and is portrayed as normal automatically, there is a moral dilemma. Do I pursue what is normal or what is natural? Do I abide by my vows and the conventions of coupledom, or do I pursue my desires and needs? This is the moral dilemma of monogamy.

I had a shock starting this article today. I suddenly realised that today is my parents’ wedding anniversary. If Mum was still alive, and if they were still married, then they would be celebrating 52 years of marriage. Unfortunately, my mother passed away over 17 years ago from motor neurone disease. Her physical demise and death were traumatic. But what also distresses me was one of the last conversations I had with her. She was heartbroken and held back tears, knowing that my father, her husband, was out assisting another woman with some large task in her garden. I remember asking her if she thought Dad was having an affair. I don’t remember the answer. But I do remember the sense of pain, distress and hopelessness that followed, and that sits with my still.

I did not know what to do with this experience until my recent separation. I was the unfaithful one and, in doing so, broke my husband’s heart. I was the one that had caused anguish and pain. I knew that my infidelity broke every moral tenet of marriage and the vows I had sworn in front of my family and friends. I knew that my behaviour would be seen as criminal in the judgemental eyes of society. I knew I would be automatically disdained by anyone that found out. And yet, this did not stop me from continuing my course of affairs.

What astounded me through this process was how I knew what I was doing was so wrong. However, it truly felt so right. I could not help but think that somehow I was broken, immoral and worthless. Everyone around me seemed to be perfectly happy working through the challenges of their tied relationships. For me, it just did not feel natural at all. I needed to understand what was going on for me, and so I began to research this concept of monogamy. The more investigation I did, the clearer the…

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