Beyond Border

I wrote about the fictional story of the Titanic from a first-person point of view yesterday, highlighting the despair and tragedy experienced by a passenger on that ill-fated voyage. It served as a…

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I Dream of Ice Cream and Cookies

I’ve always loved ice cream.

Cookies, meh. I could take them or leave them.

But over the past few months, as I struggled more than ever with a food addiction, I began craving things I never cared for in the past. Cookies. Brownies. Chocolate. Cake.

What?

Intermittent fasting has helped me control my cravings and recognize even non-specific cravings, which I mistake as hunger, for what they are. I’m learning the difference between true hunger and psychological hunger.

Truly, I only experience real hunger once every week or two.

I’ve also learned that my body has become dependent on its new regime. Do not eat before 10am. Reduce sugars as much as possible. Avoid store bought sauces and never eat treats — not even a piece of chocolate (unless it’s pure, dark cocoa, which has a strangely likeable bitter taste). Stop eating by 8pm. Rinse, repeat.

I recently put this set of behaviors off the rails, when my husband and I took a weekend away to attend his PhD commencement ceremony.

Day One: Friday

Breakfast at 10am, as usual.

Lunch at 12pm, two hours earlier than usual.

Dinner in the car at 5:30pm, 2 hours earlier than usual.

Can’t help it snack in the car at 7:45pm.

Day Two: Saturday

Workout at 7:30am

Breakfast at 10am, as usual. But carb and sugar heavy: fig bars, fruit bar, Rx bar.

Lunch at 1pm. Beef jerky, sourdough baguette pieces, salad without dressing, and brie.

Dinner at 7:30pm. Smoked chicken tacos. Pretty healthful, until…

I asked. My husband didn’t need or want the dessert. But I thought, we’re celebrating! We need dessert.

Out came chocolate cake drizzled in caramel. Something that in years past would be much to rich for me to even stomach a single bite.

I had a hard time limiting myself to only half the dessert.

Day Three: Sunday

Breakfast at 9:30am at an old favorite. 3 egg omelet with fresh salsa…potatoes…two slices of whole wheat bread with butter.

And, the reason we went.

Pie. The best pie in the world. Served with, as the menu says, “a giant slab of vanilla ice cream.”

I didn’t eat lunch, but did eat the rest of my potatoes in the car as I was starving by 1pm.

Dinner, at 9:00pm, was a beef burger with brie, egg, pickles, sauerkraut, and jalapeños.

The next day, I was starving. I could barely wait until 10am to eat, and I ate snacks I don’t usually eat. My system was out of wack. I needed to get back to my normal routine.

I always say that if I weren’t a microbiologist, I would be a neuroscientist, or psychologist. The brain, and the mind, fascinate me. I’ve always had vivid dreams, and I almost always remember them. Sometimes, they affect me so strongly my entire day carries their shadow. Dream about my husband having an affair? Suspicious of him all day.

I often dream about things bothering me or otherwise on my mind. Based on my minimal research, this seems to be due to the brain filing away memories during the night.

Last night, I had an amazing dream, that troubled me as soon as I woke up.

I was living in San Diego, and my parents had come to visit me. My dad arrived first and we were waiting for my mom. Walking through the city, we were headed to a restaurant to eat. As we were walking, a sight caught my eye.

A confectioner’s shop. In the window, a wide assortment of ice creams, cookies, and brownies. The concept? Fill a bowl with as much cookie crust, ice cream center, and other toppings as you could.

We went in.

I created a concoction with a cookie “crust” on the bottom, several flavors of ice cream in the middle, and a chocolate chip cookie “crust” to top it off.

Next I eyes the brownies. Should I add one as a topping? They looked so delicious.

I hesitated as I looked at my huge bowl. So full of sugar already. The guilt began to kick in. But, I’d already started down the path.

I added the brownie.

I ate the bowl, and felt so full I was almost sick.

But that couldn’t compare to the sickness I felt after eating all of that sugar. I have never felt so guilty, so self-loathing in my life. The momentary joy I felt at consuming all of those beautiful looking and delicious foods was completely killed by the ensuing guilt. I was convinced I’d become, literally, physically ill from this decision. And I don’t mean short term, minor illness. I mean long-term, I’ve destroyed my life illness.

Apparently my decisions over the weekend had affected me more than I had imagined.

I feel like I’m detoxing.

I guess. Because I’ve never actually detoxed from anything, in the traditional sense.

But I never imagined to struggle this much, this far out. I expected the trials to be smaller, more easily handled.

As I feel as though I’m gaining the upper hand, I need to remember that tipping the balance can have huge effects, even if I think it’s a small tip.

Today I’m back to my normal routine. It’s 10:01am and I am about to prepare breakfast. I’m hungrier than usual, but much less than yesterday. I’m returning to my equilibrium.

I hope that tonight I don’t dream of ice cream and cookies.

Beyond Border

I Dream of Ice Cream and Cookies

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