Dear Future Boyfriend

Introspection and the crap you should know

There is no greater way to learn more about yourself than the instant you tell your husband that your marriage, as he knows it, is over.

Take a grenade, pull the pin out with your teeth like a gritty soldier in a movie, and throw it on your life. That’s what killing your marriage is like. But then stay in the wreckage for another year because you know…COVID.

When you destroy, you must rebuild. And since I’ve got all the time in the world while sitting cooped up at home, rebuilding is all I’ve done. Maybe what I rebuilt is different than what I would have done had I not been stuck indoors. However this situation has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, it’s like a mini version of “Eat, Pray, Love” introspection while residing at the same address.

While I’ve changed, I’ve also learned to accept things about me that I never felt proud of in the past. I didn’t advertise the thoughts and behaviors I’ve listed below. Conforming to the norm was my standard operating procedure.

I’m finally putting a crown of weirdness on my head because I’m owning up to not being a sexy, suave, brave woman in the prime of her forties.

Do you know what’s a good sandwich? Peanut butter, honey, and pickle. It’s an effing bomb. Don’t knock it until you try it.

I think sweet potato fries are an abomination to the french fry name.

If you take me to a nice restaurant, there’s a good chance I’ll want to eat two different desserts as my main course.

I always ask for my beverages without ice at restaurants (oh restaurants and waiters, how I miss thee). It only waters down my drink and that means there’s less actual drink in the cup. Then I have to flag down the waiter even sooner to get a refill. It’s already cold from the fountain machine, I don’t need my drink diluted with squares of ice. Yes, it’s a whole thing and I feel very passionate about it.

Bring me re-runs of South Park and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia any day over Friends. I’ll take Archer and Bojack…

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